Dear Fellow Hirsute Flabmeisters: A Call to Action

As self-appointed President of the Hirsute Flabmeisters of America (HFA, pronounced “Heifer”), I object to anyone — especially a bishop of the Holy Roman Catholic Church — using our beloved adjectives in such a violent fashion.

I am aggrieved by this micro-aggression that we have been forced to endure. Why should everyone else be “affirmed” for who they are and not us!? Doesn’t Jesus love us too?!

It’s so convenient for His Excellency to complain about others when his own wardrobe full of fancy bishop robes and pointy hats (lovingly maintained by staff) is right next to the sanctuary. All *he* has to do is put on his *uniform* for mass, whereas we must select apparel that fits properly, doesn’t strangle us by overheat and constriction, isn’t stained by food or the upchuck/poop/pee/snot/boogers/drool of little children, and does not offend or distract anyone (which is difficult to do given that we aren’t usually “easy on the eyes” to begin with).

Have you noticed how much clothes COST? A pair of short pants costs at least $5 less than trousers! Dungarees are through the roof! And don’t get me started on overalls. His Excellency and those who agree with him must hate thrift! We flabmeisters get charged extra for all the additional material (and double-stitching!) required to make our garments! It’s unaffordable and demeaning!

14595937887_e784ea4aff_oPrior to the bishop’s “rant”, I was already suffering from at least one emotional debility secondary to this problem. Now I have a full-blown condition that should qualify me for permanent and total disability.

Haven’t you read the news? Beards are FILTHY! We should be praised simply for using hot water and soap! After all, it takes a village to clean just one elephant, especially when monkeys are throwing turds at it the whole time.

And, how can we maintain our flabmeistery-ness if we’re expected to leave our Mega Ultra Big Gulps in our minivans for an entire hour!?! So the incense huffers get a free pass but we’re required to let our ice melt?!? It’s discriminatory!

We (especially our pastors) should recognize that sometimes we are called by the Lord when, by appearances, we don’t FIT into what others expect. Would John the Baptist — with his hirsutism, redoubtable odor, and camel-based clothing — be among those that His Excellency is so keen to rashly and harshly condemn?

Burn. Woot. C’mon people, the time is now. FTW.

Love, your President

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4 thoughts on “Dear Fellow Hirsute Flabmeisters: A Call to Action

  1. Well, I have enough flab, but the hirsute went away some time back. Can I open an associate branch in Arizona? (With our monsoons starting today, we get humid and 100 degree temps, and the sweat doesn’t roll off, just you have to brush off the salt ever so often.)

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