1. Don Quixote is to windmills as Labrador Retriever is to dragonflies.
2. If you’re stupid enough to turn around for 12 seconds, 135 fluid ounces of liquid dish soap, 16 ounces of Jet-Dry and 11 ounces of liquid hand soap can be used to make exactly zero portions of “bubbles” by a three-year-old. Oh, you need a handful of dirt in the mix too. The grit helps maintain a cohesive molecular structure.
3. There are two “modes” in Minecraft: “creative” and “survival”. I do not know the difference, except that in “survival” mode, the sound effects create an atmosphere of dread.
4. Just text the kid the shopping list. He’ll forget the paper you made listing exactly what to get that’s on sale. Or if you prefer, write out the list, take a picture of it, and text it to the kid. Paper is for old people.
5. The word of the day is logorrhea. I’m doing it right now.
6. In some circles, I’m not really an orthodox Catholic. In some circles, I’m not Catholic at all. I hope God’s not in those circles, or maybe at least God’s circle holds those circles and my circle too.
7. You can make your own ranch dressing using what you already have in your spice cabinet. I didn’t learn that today; I’m just thinking about ranch dressing.
8. Tie-dye isn’t for hippies; it’s for shirt-stainers.
9. If you get a fly-swatter, the flies stop landing on you.