Constitutional? Of course!

Because our chief constitutional right is feeling safe. That’s what matters most, even more than actually being safe. In fact, we’ll exchange all of our other constitutional rights for our right to feel safe, even if it means turning every American citizen into a suspected terrorist and using taxpayers’ money to spy on law-abiding taxpayers (i.e., terrorists). Because you know that Facebook is just a big terrorist networking site and Twitter is just terrorist Morse code and e-mail is electronic terrorist carrier pigeon.

That word — “terrorist” — really begins to lose meaning when it’s applied so loosely, but we must lock up terrorists forever — wherever and whoever they are — because terrorists violate my constitutionally-protected right to feel safe.

And I feel very safe, because I trust that the government can infallibly determine the difference between citizen suspects and terrorists, and they would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, think that I am anything but a citizen. They certainly got it right with the Japanese internment. They did a stellar job driving out the reds with the help of Joe McCarthy. They really know which rebel force or potential dictator to support in all the third-world countries we’ve helped.

Besides, we’d know which lists we’re on, because we can fully trust the government, because the government is totally forthcoming about its lists, right?


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